Talking with Children about Death

Someone the children love is dying, or has died, and the instinct is to protect them by hiding it. The opposite is kinder.

Children can tell

Children know when something is wrong. They read faces and hear the change in the house. When adults hide the truth, children do not conclude that nothing is happening. They conclude that something is happening which is too terrible to be spoken, and that they are alone with it. That is far worse to carry than the truth.

So tell them, in simple words. “Grandma is very sick. The doctors can’t make her better. She is going to die, probably soon.” Then stop, and let them respond. They may ask a question, say something unrelated, or go back to playing. All of these are fine. Children take grief in small pieces, with play in between.

Avoid the soft phrases. “Passed away,” “lost,” “gone to sleep,” “went away” all confuse young children, who take words literally. A child told that Grandpa went to sleep may be afraid to sleep. A child told that we lost Grandma may wonder why no one is looking. Say “died” and “dead.” They are hard words, and they are clear, and clarity is the kindness here.

Let them be near

If a child wants to see the person who is dying, let them, with preparation. Tell them what they will see: that Grandma is thin now, that she sleeps a lot, that there are tubes. Then let them come in, and let them leave when they want to. Some children will hold a hand and chatter; some will stand by the door. Both are visiting. If a child does not want to come in, do not force it. But do not assume; ask.

After a death, the same applies. Children can attend the funeral, see the body if they wish and are prepared, and be part of whatever the family does. Being included is how children learn that death is part of life and not a secret catastrophe.

Do not hide your grief

Cry in front of them. Not in a way that frightens them or asks them to comfort you, but plainly. “I’m sad because Grandma died. I miss her.” A child who sees an adult be sad and then be all right again learns that sadness can be survived. A child who never sees the adults grieve learns that feelings are to be hidden.

You can also tell them the truth about your uncertainty. “I don’t know exactly what happens when someone dies. Nobody knows for sure.” Children can hold uncertainty better than adults think, and they are relieved when an adult admits to it.

Images a child can hold

Children think in pictures, and a few old ones can be held without any doctrine attached.

The guest. Everyone who comes to a house is a guest, and a guest always leaves in the end. Grandma was a guest with us for a long time, and now it is time for her to go. We can be sad she is going, and glad she came.

The sky and the clouds. Clouds come and go, change shape, disappear. The sky is always there behind them. A person’s body is like a cloud. What was really them, the part that loved us, is more like the sky.

The wave and the water. A wave rises out of the sea, is a wave for a while, and goes back into the sea. It has not gone anywhere. It is still water.

Offer one and let the child do what they want with it.

“Where did they go?”

You will be asked, and the answer is the truth, including the truth that you do not fully know. If you have a faith, share it in simple words and say that it is what you believe. If you do not, you can still say something true: “Her body stopped working, so she isn’t here in the way she was. But the love between us is still here. I can feel it. Can you?” Most children can. Then give them something to do: draw Grandma a picture, tell her about your day, be kind to someone today for her.

Whatever you say, do not say something you will have to take back. Children remember what they were told at a death for the rest of their lives.